I remember when I couldn’t wait to start middle school with the big kids. In the eighth grade I eagerly awaited high school, dying to join the world my cool and collected brothers were in. Next thing you know, I was jumping for joy at my college graduation – relieved to be done with four semesters of boring classes, some asshole professors, and pointless homework. Ready for the real world, ready to find myself, ready to live however I wanted.
All of those years never seemed to go fast enough. Now I am two years out of college, finally in the “real world” I have overly fantasized about for so many years and I desperately wish I could press pause.
I don’t think I will ever understand why the months fly by so quickly after college. Sometimes it feels like the world had been stopping for me my whole life, giving me more and more time to grow. Now, I feel like I can’t keep up.
I know these feelings are intensified by endometriosis, but I can’t decide if it’s a blessing or a curse. When I feel well enough to go for a walk, all I can think about is all those days I spent running – wishing I could run again, pain-free. I have to remind myself that I will once again do the things I love. I say, “One day you will run again, I promise. This is just a chapter of your long novel series.”
When I run again, I won’t take it for granted. For the first time in my life I will hike, swim, bike, run and play like a child and I will actually know what it’s like to have it taken from me. For once, I will enjoy those simple things more than I ever had the capacity to.
As I am constantly researching endo, scheduling appointments, sorting through my ridiculous epiphanies, calling my doctors, losing hope, battling depression, fighting anxiety, feeling the pain, rising up again, leaning on family and pushing for a better life; I wish life would stop moving and give me time to catch up.
I wish my 24th birthday coming up in July could wait for my miracle, for my cure, for my healing treatment. I don’t know what patience is anymore.
When I am healthy again, I will fly so fast. I won’t just keep up with life – I will cherish every single moment I used to take for granted. And life, well, it will just have to try and keep up with me.