Sometimes you just need to write out how you’re feeling. That is really what motivated me to start this blog in the first place. I try to avoid using this space as a place to vent, but I really need it right now so I’m going to let myself do it.
I found out last week that I need hip surgery in two weeks to repair a torn labrum and FAI. Best part is, I just finished my three month recovery period from my excision surgery in November. Just kidding, that is honestly the most terrible coincidence ever to occur in my life.
However, it isn’t really a coincidence. Turns out that because of the FAI in my hip, I have always been at a higher risk of a labrum tear and being in stirrups for five hours during my excision surgery did me in – finally making that little bitch tear.
So here I was three months ago, going into a surgery with the hope that it would put an end to a very painful chapter and open the door to a new one. In three months I’d be running again, working, traveling like old times and enjoying wedding festivities. My biggest fear in life was needing countless surgeries to treat my endometriosis, so it was a huge relief to know that the excision surgery would likely be my last. I never even thought about the possibility of needing surgery for another problem – especially not so soon.
When the pain in my hip got bad about two weeks post-op, I kept putting off an MRI hoping that it would go away on its own with physical therapy and exercises. But it never did. The good news is, I finally brought myself to do the MRI and doctors found the problem. The last three years of my life have been spent trying to find a diagnosis for my pelvic pain. I was so afraid that my hip pain would go unanswered too. Thank god there is a diagnosis, and basically a cure this time.
But I cannot believe that in two short weeks I will be starting another recovery. I will be on crutches for about a month and adding physical therapy for my hip to my weekly pelvic floor therapy for the next six months. All of my doctors have warned me that this surgery can worsen pelvic floor dysfunction, so that will be fun. Especially when I just began PFT and finally started making improvements within this last month.
For a while I felt that I was moving forward, but now I can’t help but feel like my bodies progress just came to a complete stop, changed its mind, and starting sprinting backwards. My wedding is in six months. SIX MONTHS. And for the last four I have been putting it aside and focusing on getting healthy for the big day. I would put off the surgery until after the wedding, but my hip is too much pain. And I refuse to be limping down the isle.
I expected these upcoming months to include a bachelorette party; hell maybe a bridal shower or two. But no, it will involve me laying in bed on pain medications and getting myself to physical therapy multiple times a week. It will look a lot like the last three months just did – a chapter I’d hoped was over. This is going to involve a lot of pain, on top of the pains I already deal with on a daily basis. Trying to find the mental strength to get myself through this is like blindly grabbing at the air to catch a mosquito.
Sometimes I feel like the universe doesn’t even want this wedding to happen. The circumstances are making it nearly impossible to prepare for. It is all I have been looking forward to lately and I so desperately want to walk down the isle and enjoy that night without any pain. I am starting to question if that’s a realistic expectation.
That’s all I got for now!!